Hooking Up with Your Straight Roommate

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a straight man how to play with a gay roommate, and you feed him gorilla grip memories for a lifetime.

Quarantine has gays committing chaotic crimes like crisis-bleaching, baking bread to throw away and tops reconsidering their topness. However, it also has them committing chaotic acts of kindness like being there for their hot straight roommate with open arms, legs and mouth.

With straight guys kissing the homies on TikTok, Bad Bunny in drag and heteros collecting coin on OnlyFans, the zeitgeist is set for peak curiosity.

Over the course of several Zoom happy-hour hangouts, my best friend — who for reasons of anonymity I will refer to as Nick — would mention in various ways how the relationship with his hot straight roommate had become more comfortable, relaxed and fun since being in quarantine.

Each time we Zoomed, Nick had a new and unexpected incident to tell. The roommate encounters progressively became sillier, more playful and eventually pretty fucking flirty.

Naturally, conversations about sex started to happen. They shared their mutual frustrations of not being able to hookup which led to sharing details of what they missed doing (sexually) the most. With plenty of “no way, you’re lying” and “how does that work” remarks, Nick eventually whipped out some (mild) gay porn to show his roommate the kind of magic/sorceries gays are capable of doing with their bodies.

By the time Nick shared the gay-porn-watching incident with me, I was all fucking in. I felt like Cady Heron in Mean Girls — all I wanted to talk about was his straight roommate. It was like word vomit. My hoe instincts and NextDoorBuddies references just knew something gay was afoot.

Days went by, Co—Star was checked and nothing. Suddenly it seemed like the possibility of Nick being slutted and gutted by his roommate was just not realistic. Clearly, this was a result of too much PornHub and too many quarantine worms in our smooth brains. Clownery at its finest.

But then, Chris Hemsworth happened.

Straight men fucking love Chris Hemsworth. Full stop. So it was no surprise that Nick’s roomie downloaded Chris Hemsworth’s new fitness app, Centr. Being a fellow gym bunny, he asked Nick to join him for a workout.

Maybe it was the cracky pre-workout or the post-pump testosterone raging through their bodies. Perhaps it was Nick’s endorphins eye-fucking his roommates’ pent up hormone monster. But I think it was all Chris Hemsworth’s doing.

They finished the intense circuit training drenched in sweat and so naturally, shirts came off. Post-workout stretching began and as soon as the roommate asked Nick to help him stretch, Nick knew this was it. And it was.

In the absence of Grindr, there is Centr.

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