NEW YEAR RESOLUTION #1: BE A
WELL-MANNERED GAY AT DA CLUB!
A new year typically brings forth a bunch of superficial and meaningless new year resolutions like working-out, eating better, not being a total cunt etc. But there are also meaningful resolutions like the one that we decided to write about for Q Vegas’ January 2014 issue!
In the straight world, nightlife typically consumes about 40% of a young adult’s life and after the age of 26 it basically is inexistent. In the gay world, nightlife consumes about 80% of a gay’s life until the age of 50 or death. (We totally pulled these statistics out of our ass to give some sort of validation to our bitch-tastic commentary.)
With nightlife being such a huge part of a gay’s life you’d think that most gays would be socially adequate nightclubbin pros but surprisingly that’s not so much the case. So we’d thought we take all of our experiences of being Lohan-the-fuck-out-cray and put it to good use by telling gays just how they shouldn’t behave at a gay club like we may or may not have at some point in the past.
THE PROPER GAY NIGHTCLUB ETIQUETTE FOR THE MODERN CLASSY BITCH
Being one of the first to arrive to the club is for out-of-towners from the Midwest, party-of-one roamers and closeted daddies. 12:30 AM is usually a good time to arrive because you’re early enough to grab a drink without dealing with the thirsty stampede at the bar but you’re not too late to catch your friends still tipsy and not drunk.
Choose your signature drink and stick with it! There is nothing more annoying than debating what to drink while at the bar….not only will the bartender hate you but also everyone and their gay uncle who’s waiting to get a drink.
Don’t mix your liquor! If you’re drinking vodka then stick with vodka. While mixing in a shot of tequila won’t end it for you, bangin out one after another with vodka/soda as your chaser is def going to be a nightmare to deal with later!
If you plan on getting super cray drunk than make sure to stay hydrated through out the night by drinking plenty of water between drinks and shots. Lastly, DO NOT THROW UP IN DA CLUB…..EVER!
THE BOTTLE SERVICE
It’s only acceptable to join someone’s table if you’re invited, otherwise stay the fuck out. If you’re having more than one drink from someone’s bottle, even if it’s a comp, hand over a $20 you rude cheap bitch! The only exception to this rule is if you’re doing someone a favor by sitting with them, in that case drink up and look pretty hunty!
THE MAKE-OUT FAUX PAS
Unless the guys making out are really hot (which rarely, if ever, is the case) the public tongue bath is something no one wants to see especially because most of the time the ones going at it are beyond white girl wasted and look like they’re attacking each others faces like zombies from The Walking Dead! Also everyone will be judging you, taking pictures and uploading them to their Twitter, FB and Instagram with the hashtags #Mess #Gross #Tragic etc.
THE REMOVAL OF THE SHIRT
The general rule is no. However there are some exceptions like Matinee Weekend where it’s basically a requirement to be shirtless! More importantly though it takes a certain personality to “pull it off” for example really hot ripped guys. Much like the dance-floor-face-eating zombies, the ones without shirts are typically the ones you wish would keep them on.
THE FORBIDDEN GO-GO BOX
If a gay club was the Garden of Eden and the patrons were Adam then the forbidden fruit would be the go-go box. DO NOT GET ON THE GO-GO BOX! Like Adam, you too will probably get kicked the fuck out of the
Garden of Eden gay club.
The djs at gay clubs may not be Aviici, Tiesto or Guetta but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own style, sound and set! Respect their craft and don’t request your “fav song” that is probably just another gay anthem that the dj already has set to play at 3:30 AM during his piss break. If you insist on being a douche then at least hand over a fuckin $20 for your inexcusable lameness.
The night is young and there are plenty of gays that are equally as horny as you so skip the coy and go up to the guy you want! If he’s short with you then you know to end it there but if y’all are chatting up a storm than you’re on the right track! If he says he has to get back to his friends than he may not be that into you but there still might be hope! Wait to see if he comes back to talk to you at some point in the night and if he doesn’t than there’s your answer. Don’t be pissed that he rejected you and whatever you do don’t be the socially dysfunctional pushy ass that can’t get da hint!
We hope this will bring forth well-mannered gays to the club, but to those who could care less about etiquette, please do continue your debauchery of rachetness… for what fun is the gay club what out the messy ones!
CHECK US OUT ON PG. 36!